


Cookie Exchange

by haisai_andagii



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU - Comicverse, Superman (Comics), World's Finest (Comics)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-27
Updated: 2011-06-27
Packaged: 2017-11-03 09:30:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/379913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haisai_andagii/pseuds/haisai_andagii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lois Lane cannot cook.  She makes cookies for everyone as a Christmas present.  Yikes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

**Cookie Exchange: A Story About Exactly That!**

Perched high above the hustle(and criminally insane) bustle of Gotham City, were Batman his young ward, Robin. The elder of the two surveyed the skyline for their comrades, while his ward practiced balancing batarangs on his chin. Though normally calm, he had been looking forward to this event all evening. And what an evening it had been: In the spirit of the holidays, muggings were at an all-time high; Poison Ivy had thrown her usual holiday tantrum, by peddling possessed pine trees to unsuspecting buyers; and Penguin added to the cheer by turning an outdoor ice skating rink into an arctic animals preserve.

All in all, the evening had been long and eventful and they both looked forward to Alfred's cooking and a few hours of much needed rest.

Batman stilled, the pointed nose of his cowl fixed on two slowly approaching dots on horizon. As they drew nearer, Robin began to wave his arms wildly.

"Hi, Kon!" he shouted as their friends came into view.

"Hi, Rob!" Kon chirped cheerfully as he poked out from behind his mentor's cape. "Where's Batgirl?"

The Dark Knight shot him an threatening glance at the mention of her name. Superboy gave out an uncharacteristic squeak and retreated behind the cape once more.

"Did you bring it?" Batman growled grumpily.

"Well, good evening to you too, Bruce," Superman smiled. "Hi, Robin."

"Did you bring it?" Batman asked again, with even less patience (as if it were possible).

"Yes, I have it-"

"I want to go home."

"Okay, okay," the Kryptonian sighed. "Kon, please give the package to me." But his request was met with the sound of pleasant munching. Pulling his cape aside, he found Kon re-wrapping the package that was meant for their friends with lightening speed.

"Conner Kon-El Kent, why are there crumbs on your mouth?" he asked in disbelief.

"I... I was hungry," his clone replied sheepishly. Clark snatched the box from him and peeked inside with his x-ray vision. At least there were some left.

"Sorry about that," he apologized as he handed it to Robin.

"I'm used to it. He and Bart would snatch food from my mouth if they could," Robin teased as he accepted the package and fastened it to his belt.

"Here," Batman grunted as he threw his gift to his floating friends. Kon caught it a little too eagerly. He gave the box a shake, a smile forming on his greedy, crumb-dusted lips. On closer inspection, the vibrant green and red gift bag was dotted with tiny, frolicking reindeer. A pristine white card was fastened to one of it's gilded handles; a note written in neatly, sprawling script ("Alfred's," he suspected.) that wished them a "Merry Christmas."

"Thanks, guys! It looks so-" But the Kryptonian halted when he realized their companions had already gone.

"I hate it when he does that," Superman griped. "And I don't even know how he does it! I have super hearing and x-ray vision for Rao's sake..."

"It totally sucks!" his clone agreed noisily between bites.

Superman, releasing another long suffering sigh, hooked Kon by a belt-loop, and flew home.

**~~~**

 

After a shower, bowl of hot soup and freshly made bread, Tim took it upon himself to open their gift.

"They look so good," he whispered in awe. The remaining dozen cookies were dotted with an assortment of chocolate chip, nuts and candies. Tim grabbed one eagerly and took a bite. As he munched, he plucked the scribbled note from the wrapping paper, it read:

_To the Bats:_

_Here's hoping crime will take a holiday._

_Thanks for looking out for Big Blue._

_-L._

  
"They're tasty!" he chirped as he finished it off. "Here, Bruce.  Have one."

"I don't like sweets," Bruce groused as he pushed the box away. "You shouldn't eat those either."

"But Lois made them for us!"

"And that's exactly why you shouldn't eat them."

Ignoring his mentor, Tim plucked another cookie from the box and took a bite.

"Wow, they are edible and pretty tasty. You really should try one- OW!" He yelped suddenly and clutched his cheek. "Something cut my mouth!"

Grabbing the box, Bruce examined a cookie: One of its multi-colored candies was nothing more than a stray press-on nail. With a look of disgust, he tossed the box in front of Ace*, who after a few sniffs shoved it away with his snout and retreated underneath his master's chair, whimpering.

"Oh my God," his ward wailed, a hand pressed over his mouth and his stomach as he made a dash for the restroom.

 

**~~~**

 

"Clark?" Lois called over the clamor of the kitchen. "Where did all of my cookies go?"

"Oh, uh... I gave them all to Bruce," he replied, appearing in the doorway.

"What? I was hoping to send some to your parents!" Lois was covered head-to-toe in flour. The kitchen was a hellish mess: sink filled with dirty dishes, floor covered in an assortment of ingredients, smoke billowing from the oven.

"I'm sorry, Lois.  But, there is still plenty of time!" Clark said, putting on his most apologetic face as he surreptitiously opened a window. "But I'd be happy to make some more with you."

Lois bristled at his proposal. Her nostrils flared as her features twisted into harden scowl as she gripped the sink's edge. Anyone else would have be delighted by such a loving gesture, but Lois, a true Metropolisian*, was too cynical to believe anything anyone said.

"No," she said coldly as she slowly turned to face her husband. Her lips were draw tight in a half snarl, half smirk, which caused Clark to take a step back. "I know your game, friend."

"But, Lois-" he pleaded, but was effectively silenced with a hateful glare and a threatening looking spatula.

"Clark Jerome ("J-Joseph," he mumbled before Lois threw the dishtowel in his face.) 'Kal-El' Kent," Lois began slowly. "I will make more cookies. You will take them to your family ("Please, Lois! Kon has been vomiting for days!  My father has angina!"). They will eat them.  And then you better go shuck your own corn in the Fortress of Solitude tonight."

"Yes, ma'am," he whimpered wearily as he floated off in defeat.

 

**~~~**

  
"What were in those cookies?" the Dark Knight yelled over the gunfire as Superman shielded him. "Robin's been hallucinating for three days!  He tried to mount the dog like a horse and ride it around the yard!"

"That boy's never been right!" Jason barked between loading clips. Batman had decided to check up on his wayward son, only to have them erupt into a one-sided gun fight all along the alleyways of the East End. After following a trail bullet-riddled windows and small fires, Superman found his friend holed up behind an overturned car for cover, while Jason unloaded everything he had.

"Lois can do alot of things well," the Kryptonian said as he swatted a grenade through high into the air. "She's a fearless investigator, top reporter of the Daily Planet, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalis-"

"She can't cook, Kal!"

"I know! I'm sorry! Please, let me make it up to you!"

"How?!"

Superman's brow furrowed as the bullets continued to ricochet off of his back. "I've got an idea." Suddenly, he was nothing more than a red and blue blur; disarming the boy and knocking him out.

"There!" He stood with his hands on his hips with a self-satisfied smile.

Batman sighed as he fastened several zip ties around Jason's wrists and ankles. Clark made quick work of the rest of his hidden weapons, tossing them into a growing, make-shift pile before melting them down with his heat vision.

"So," his alien friend asked as he loaded his former ward into the passenger seat. "Are we 'cool' now, as the kids say?"

The Dark Knight gave him a scathing look before the black-glass widow slid over them and the Batmobile sped away, leaving an angry cloud of burning rubber in its wake.

"...Bruce?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Cookie Exchange: Valentine’s Revenge**

  
Krypto’s tail went full tilt at the sight of Ma Kent’s delicious apple pie.  He reared on his haunches and emitted pitiful whines as Pa placed a size-able piece in front of his woeful son, Clark.   
  
It was late.    
  
The Kent men gathered in the kitchen to discuss a serious matter.  A matter that plagued all men this time of the year - Valentine’s Day.  Clark sighed miserably, reached for a strategically placed canister of whipped cream and began to spray.    
  
‘A-are you ok?” Kon asked nervously, watching as the cream reached dangerous heights.  “Cause that’s alot of whipped cream.”  Clark shot him a dark look and sprayed the remainder into his mouth.  
  
“What happened now?” Jonathan ventured.  “You don’t act like this unless the two of you had a serious fight...”    
  
“Lois can’t cook!” Clark cried desperately, slamming the now empty canister onto the table. “I swear, if I had to eat..!”  He took several rather angry bites, not caring if he had a food flecked on his pouting face.  “Lois wants to bake cookies for the office on Valentine’s Day.”  
  
Krypto gave a frightful yelp and ducked out through the doggie door.  Pa clutched his faint heart.  And Kon jumped out his seat so quickly that it fell to the floor with a clatter.  
  
“S-she can’t feed those things to people!” he cried. “Remember what happened when I ate her cookies last Christmas?!”  
  
“I sure do,” Jonathan said, humor lilting in his voice. “You tried to put Ma’s church hats on the milking cows.”  
  
Clark raised a brow.  
  
“They needed to be in their Sunday best for Christmas mass,” Kon explained sheepishly. “B-But more importantly, Tim ate them too and suffered from some powerful hallucinations!  Alfred caught him wrestling the family dog for scraps in their kitchen!”  
  
  
“Ok,” Clark said slowly, pushing the image of Robin fighting over an chewed-up chicken bone with Ace from his mind.  “But what do I do?  I can’t tell her not to bake anything because she’ll make twice as many to spite me!  And I can’t offer my help because she saw through that last year and I had to sleep on the couch for a week!”  
  
“Well, what did you do with her cookies the last time, son?” Pa asked.  “If I recall, you saved us from a batch.”  His son fell quiet with contemplation, the fork hanging from his frowning lips.    
  
“I’ve got a plan!” he announced suddenly. “And I’ll need everyone’s help to pull it off.  Kon, go get Kara and Karen.  Pa, please wake Ma.  We have alot of work to do...”   


~~~

  
Bruce Wayne had a rough night.  Instead of patrolling the city, he was forced to rub elbows with Gotham’s elite at yet another banquet for another charity.  And after being drunkenly groped by Mrs. Dandridge and those gnarly claws she called hands, he was in no mood for what he was seeing: on top of his thousand-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, sat a pile of horribly pink cellophane and poorly homemade cookies.    
  
“Alfred,” he asked, voice filled with repugnance.  “What are these?”     
  
“Saint Valentine’s gifts from the Lane-Kents, sir.  I believe, Mrs. Lane baked the cookies herself.”    
  
Bruce’s nostril flared.  Without a second thought, he dumped Lois’ cookies into the waste basket and pushed it away with his foot.  
  
“Please dispose of these immediately.  We don’t need Tim howling at the moon and biting the dog again.  The vet was asking alot of questions that I could not answer.”   Alfred nodded and removed the offending confections with haste.  Satisfied, he shrugged off his suit and headed to the bathroom.  As he turned on the shower, Bruce firmly believed that would be the end of Lois’ Cookie Crisis.  
  
But he was wrong.  So, _terribly_ wrong.  
  
The next morning more perilous packages of Lois’ cookies showed up in his breakfast nook, his walk-in closet, on a love seat in the study, and in the Rolls as Alfred drove him to the office.  Everywhere he looked there were more - _waiting_.  
  
And there was no escape at work.  He found some on his desk.  Bruce promptly requested that they be removed and thrown into the incinerator.   But one of his subordinates thought he was joking and took them to the break room.  An unfortunate secretary ate one and was immediately carted off to the nearest hospital to have her stomach pumped.  A memo was released following the incident - Anyone seen holding a cookie would be fired on the spot.  
  
After a frantic phone call from Alfred, Bruce took a half day and rushed home.  As he tossed another batch out of the car window, two thoughts clouded his mind: One, Lois Lane must have found living to be tedious.   And two, Clark Kent must have wished to join her in Hell.  But Bruce reminded himself that Batman would never kill another human being as the car rolled up to the house.  
  
“They are everywhere!” Tim cried at Bruce as he came into the main hall.  He looked and saw the boy sitting on the bottom of the stairs.  He was disheveled, pale and trembling.  “I found three more in my room!  And two in my locker at school!”  Tim suddenly shot forward and took hold of Bruce’s jacket.  “Is God angry with me?!  Did you insult Krypto again ?!  What is going on?!”  The boy fell to his knees and dissolved into tears as Alfred rushed in and whisked him away.  
  
“Please do something about this, Master Bruce!” he called over his shoulder.  Determined to do so, he dashed to the study, where he dumped more cookies into the garbage, and into the cave.   


~~~

  
Lois looked absolutely stunning in her black lace trimmed lingerie with matching garters.  But what really set her husband on fire, was that she wore his old red flannel and trucker hat over the entire ensemble.   
  
“You look...stunning.”  
  
“Happy V-Day.”  
  
“Indeed...”  
  
“Metropolitan chic meets Kansas couture... Do you like it, Superman?” she purred as her fingers traced the S of his shield.  Kal smiled brightly.  He done it.  Superman had succeeded in protecting his wife’s pride and saving his co-workers from her cooking.  And now...  
  
“Of course I do, you little - Diana?!”    
  
Lois swung on her heels to see Wonder Woman silhouetted in their bedroom window.  She scrambled to pull her flannel shirt closed as she walked over and open it.  
  
“W-what are you doing here?  We’re a little busy...”  But Diana flew in past her and right up into Kal’s face.   But before he could ask her what the matter was, the Amazon seized him by his cape and rocketed out into the air.   


~~~

  
Wonder Woman was livid.  They all were.  The tension in the room bared down on Superman so heavily, he felt he would crash through floor and into the vacuum of space.  He could feel Kon, Kara and Karen shaking violently with fear.  They sat behind Kal with their heads bowed, refusing to look at anyone.  
  
“Themyscira is in chaos!”  Wonder Woman roared.  “My sisters believe themselves to be goats and have taken to the mountains!  Artemis bit me when I tried to herd them back home!”  She threw up her left arm, revealing a rather angry set of teethmarks on her triceps.  “It’s been three days and it won’t heal!”  At that point Dr. Midnight rushed over to wrap her wound but Diana slapped his hands away and flopped into her seat with a murderous look painted on her face.  
  
“I thought we were friends!” shouted Wally. “What did I ever do to you?!  Is it because I didn’t let you win that charity race?!”  
  
They all began to shout at him, their yelling rising higher and higher in volume, only falling quiet when the younger Green Arrow shyly raised a hand.   
  
“T-this was a serious breach of trust,” came Connor Hawke’s quiet reprimand.  Kal felt that one.  Connor, who was so gentle and so kind that small woodland creatures perched on his bronze shoulders, was genuinely upset. Naturally, Roy, Ollie and all four Green Lanterns glared daggers at him.  Guy took it a step further and constructed a rather rude gesture with his power ring.  
  
“By Rao, Guy! Why are you even here?!” Kal cried.  
  
“Because Power Girl brought some of those cyanide pills your idiot friend baked to our JLI V-Day Luncheon!  And now, half the team, including my really beautiful girlfriend, are in the hospital!”  
  
“Enough!” Batman growled. “Explain yourself, Kal-El. Now. ”  
  
“Well, Lois* was going to make cookies for her co-workers at the Planet,” he began carefully. “I-I couldn’t let her go and kill my friends.  They don’t know how terrible her cooking is because I have been throwing out whatever she brings in for years.  But just last year, she caught wind of my plans to ‘help’ her in he kitche-”  
  
“ Get. To. The. Point. ” the Dark Knight snarled.  
  
“I decided that we would bake similar cookies and switch them with hers!  Then, we had to dispose of the originals but they were deemed to toxic to just dump in a landfill!  So, we decided to pass them off on you guys in the hope that you would know how to get rid of them!”  
  
“Why did you not warn us of your plan?” Hawkman asked.  
  
“Because we...dropped the ball.  I told Karen to but then she passed it off on to Kara, who told Kon, who forgot when he was rushing to save some people from a flood...”  
  
“So, let me get this straight,” Hal interjected.  “Are you saying that any time Lois would bake anything , instead of telling her the truth, you planned to lie to her and endanger us all just to spare her feelings?”  
  
“Well, when you put it that way...”  
  
“Seriously, Kal. How long did you think you could that foolishness up?”  
  
“I d-don’t know.  W-what’s the average lifespan of a white American female?”  
  
“Eighty years,” Batman replied. “But the point is this could have been avoided if you were honest with Ms. Lane.”  
  
‘W-we tried other ways to get rid of them,” Power Girl spoke up.  “At first, we were tossing them into the sun...”  
  
“B-b-b-but then it started p-producing some really, really huge solar flares...” Kara added shakily, tears dripping from her ruddy nose.  She clutched the edge of her skirt tightly when everyone turned to look at her. “I-I’m so sorry.”    
  
“Kon?” Aquaman asked, startled by the youth’s hunched shoulders and shuttering breath.  “Are you crying too?”   
  
“Y-yes, sir...”  
  
“Why?!”  
  
“B-because Batman and Wonder Woman don’t like me!” he cried. “A-and now they are going to h-hurt me and g-g-give me back to Lex L-Luthor and I-I’ll never be allowed to h-hang out with Wonder Girl or Robin or Kid Flash ever again!  And please don’t put my d-dog down, Batman!  I’m sorry!”  The children burst into wailing sobs.  Several members rushed over to try and sooth them.  
  
“No one would ever dream of giving you back to Lex,” Hawkgirl cooed as she handed Kon a tissue.  
  
“We don’t hate you.  I’m just protective of my little sister,” Diana added gently.  She nudged Bruce, who made a non-committal grunt.  
  
“And no one will hurt Krypto,” Mari said kindly, smoothing Kara’s tear-stained cheeks.  “Unlike Batman, we think he is a good dog.”   
  
The Dark Knight sighed.  They continued when the children had calmed down.  
  
“Kara, Power Girl,” he said.  “I think it’s best if you help Diana with the Amazons.  You will stay on Themyscira until their sanity has been restored.”  The two women nodded solemnly.  “Kon, you are banned from Titans’ Tower, until you and your ’dog’ finish assisting the other members of the League in the safe disposal of the cookies.”  Krypto barked in agreement as the boy smiled softly.  
  
Suddenly, all eyes turned to Superman.  A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his handsome face.  The edges of Batman’s mouth curled into a small but cruel smile.  Pure terror filled Kal’s innards; his throat seized itself and he found it difficult to breath, as the Dark Knight open his mouth and said three dreaded words:  
  
“As for you...”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* I am assuming that most people know that Clark is “friends” with Lois but are not aware they are married and work together.  And you can leave your thoughts on what Supe’s punishment was in the comments.  Thanks for reading!   



End file.
